jimish's jibberish

Yet More Family Members

2008-09-10T02:30:00.000-07:00

Our new furniture arrived a few weeks ago .. it was VERY beige to start with .. but it's warming on me :)

In other news.. my lounge room is still hard to photograph !!

But seriously !! I have a new job and I start in 3 ¹/₂ weeks .. I love a new adventure :D

It comes just in time as I think I have to buy ANOTHER new car soon as my loveable old Charade may finally be about to meet it's maker .. a Cube Crushing machine from Japan .. well it may be the un-maker of her at any rate..

New Family Member

2008-06-10T04:06:00.000-07:00

This is the new member of our family

Hubby is so excited I think I could get him to do the shopping for the next 10 years :)

It has everything he could want and some stuff I never thought of ! Who needs to have dual climate control so the air conditioner is hot my side but cold his side ? WHY !?

things that make you giggle

2008-04-25T04:57:00.000-07:00

I have been giggling for hours about this blog http://failblog.wordpress.com/ ..

I would call this one my favourite http://failblog.wordpress.com/2008/04/11/failcat-2/

but there are so many wonderful other entries that would equally qualify ..

In non-related news, I'm hoping for a trip to JB Hi Fi tomorrow so I can pick up a copy of Mario Kart for the Wii ! I have to fit in car shopping as well though .. Ham is overjoyed at the prospect of looking for and buying a car .. I am so non-fussed about cars most of the time that it's just a chore to me .. Although the being out and about, and spending money aspect of it I more than appreciate :)

peter rabbit's bookshelf

2008-04-13T04:54:00.000-07:00

A long long time ago when I was a small child I remember going to the library and spending hours pouring over their Peter Rabbit collection in it's little matching bookshelf .. oh how I wanted that bookshelf !

I recently found it on ebay and figured it would be one of those things that would get expensive quickly and WAY out of hand (not to mention something I don't need and would only be buying for purely sentimental reasons), so I didn't bother to bid ..

It sold for £2.99 ! That's stupidly cheap for a childhood dream !!

Less than 24 hours later I am online buying 3 books from Amazon .. 2 of them haven't even been released yet, so I won't see the books for a while

.. But I feel better :)

back from the dead

2008-04-11T07:01:00.000-07:00

27 months between posts and I didn't forget my password .. is that a record ?

Since I last posted, we moved, went on 3 holidays and acquired a god-daughter (who is now walking and almost talking at this stage !)

So much to fill you in on and yet I get side tracked re-designing the look of the site ..

Whilst at this point in time Hamish is drunk in the kitchen and his best mate (aka girlfriend) Joel is drunkenly slouched on the kitchen floor giggling uncontrollably ..

Clover has clung to my side for safety reasons .. such a smart animal .. I raised her well !

Homeward bound

2006-01-27T18:43:00.000-08:00

Luckily this year, as always, we had visitors at the camp site. I love it when the birds visit .. they're not shy !

Not so luckily, we also had visitors of the aggro drunk male human variety down on the beach on Australia Day.. I smacked the guy who did this with a heavy mag light in the neck, then jabbed him a few times in the sternum. Noone hurts my man and gets away with it ! GRRR

Heading home today.. Man I am looking forward to air conditioning, my own shower and the ability to cook more than BBQ food ! I think a 1 week camping trip is enough for this little black duck !

Hamish caught one too !

2006-01-26T20:20:00.000-08:00

We went back to our fishing spot today. Hamish threw 2 lines in and wandered back to the car. Whilst he was gone, he caught a fish ! Lucky bugga !! I reeled this in so a bit of team effort = a keeper ! Fish for dinner !

Fishing and 4WD-ing

2006-01-25T21:37:00.000-08:00

Hamish and I found a track into the Meroo National Park yesterday and decided to go explore the 4WD tracks.

This is the track down to the water's edge within the National Park .. BEAUTIFUL save for the HUGE March Flies that seemed to be attracted to my hair.

This is the view from the bottom of the track .. BLISS !

We went back today to fish the spot but a large group of people has decided to camp there complete with a port-a-loo !! So, we decided to head back to the 4WD track Hamish normally bashes his way through and lo and behold .. there were fish !! AND I CAUGHT ONE !

My next aim is to land a "keeper" !

Lake Tabourie

2006-01-25T01:49:00.000-08:00

Hamish and I are having a lovely holiday on the South Coast of NSW. I have 2 aims for this holiday

1. To catch a fish, something that was NOT a puffer fish.

2. To finally go canoe-ing. I have been to Lake Tabourie now 4 or 5 times and had NEVER gotten to go Canoe-ing.

This is me fishing .. Nothing was caught today ..

This is how we got to said fishing spot .. I cannot believe he drove up this ! I decided walking might be safer .. though longer..

Stuff on my cat

2005-12-22T16:01:00.000-08:00

I love the site Stuff on my cat. So much so, I have decided Clover needs to wear more junk ! I had a lot of fun taking this picture. And Clover has now learned how to get something off her head in under 2 seconds (ie before the camera can focus properly). Valuable lesson :)

Merry Xmas everyone !

Merry Xmas

2005-12-19T13:43:00.000-08:00

We have started decorating our house in preparation for Christmas .. I wonder what my nana will say (actually I wonder if she will even notice !)

Sooty Cat

2005-11-18T19:21:00.000-08:00

It wasn't nice or fun to arrive home and find a bird flying around the house ! Luckily my Mum was there else the bird would probably still be dive bombing me from my kitchen cupboards. Tellingly, the normally pristine cat is now rather grey and sooty .. Oh well .. I guess this means she had a nice day !

The International Symbol of Marriage

2005-10-12T18:14:00.000-07:00

New York -AP- On April 21, 2005, After 5 months of heated debate, the Commission of Human Rights of the United Nations approved the following new International Symbol of Marriage

Hamish and Jill are moving !!

2005-10-05T19:52:00.000-07:00

From next Friday (so 8 days away), this is the home Hamish and I will live in ! Purrrrrrrrrty aint it ?

We really had no choice. The owners of our current house have decided to move in and renovate the place for their own growing family .. not that I begrudge them (since they own the place), but DAMN I begrudge them !!

We think we have a place just as nice (if not nicer, which you can never tell until you move all your stuff in) .. so hopefully I will forgive the owners soon :)

Anyway .. this is a snap of our backyard .. nice and level and no stairs between the outdoor setting and the kitchen ! Expect more BBQ's at out place :)

And finally .. the room that won the deal for me ! (And if you have ever been to our house .. you know why !!) THE KITCHEN !

Cats In Sinks

2005-09-12T21:48:00.000-07:00

I had no idea it was such a phenomenon !! http://catsinsinks.com/

I am getting a sister !

2005-09-11T23:04:00.000-07:00

No, my parents aren't adopting .. my brother is getting married !! So exciting :) CONGRATULATIONS Tony and Caroline ! XX

My big brother proposed over the weekend (just gone). I personally never thought I would see the day ! But it is really exciting !! I have only ever had a brother, and even when I got married I didn't get a sister, but another brother (no offense Alistair ! Am sure you're just happy though that I don't think of you as being feminine in any way).

So now Hamish and I have another "something" to look forward to ! We are all off to Chile, this time next year for the wedding !! Oh I hope I can afford a stop over at Disneyland now ..

A man and his "toys"

2005-09-07T20:13:00.000-07:00

If there is anything an Aussie man likes more than a new power tool, it has to be a new ride on lawn mower

This is my dads new toy, everyone got a turn .. even Mali :) As you can see, Hamish is very pleased with himself and has threatened to "borrow" it sometime soon. I wonder what the neighbours are thinking, considering my parents are on a quarter acre block ..

Stockton Beach

2005-07-06T18:11:00.000-07:00

This is where we went for Hamish's birthday. It looks like the end of the earth and it certainly felt like it ! We got to try out the new air compressor, which is significantly better than our old one .. we took only 10-15 minutes to pump up all our tyres and get back on the road. We didn't see any bogged vehicles so we will have to wait for another day to try out the new snatch strap..

All in all, a pretty good day, followed by a boozy night at the pub .. which I have pics of, but dammit noone would sit still so all the pictures look like the camera was drunk !

>

Happy Birthday HAMISH

2005-06-28T23:53:00.000-07:00

The Hoff

2005-06-14T22:01:00.000-07:00

I can't take any more of this fucking David Hasselhoff crap. I've been at work an hour and have five different emails with David Hasselhoff in them. To begin with I thought this David Hasselhoff craze was great.

I've been making references to the Hoff for years, he was right up there with Larry Emdur and Darryl Sommers in humour value, except neither of them had an imaginary friend that was a modified Pontiac and nor did they ever claim to have brought down the Berlin Wall. When it first dawned on me to make fun of the Hoff he was virginal territory in a comedic sense. He had a high quality cringe factor in the form of a really poor German singing career, he had delusions of granduer and there are litterally thousands of photos if him showing his dubious dress sense and incredible ability to amplify the rediculous. For all of his unintentional brilliance though he has been singled out and portrayed in over seven million different Powerpoint presentations, most of them using the same photos and concepts and even text as the one before them and all of them landing in my inbox more than 3 times a day each.

Enough I say! Enough! The whole reason this guy is now famous again is because he is poor taste and poor humour value. Let the Germans keep him! That way not only will we be able to avoid more photos of the guy but we can snigger at them for their incredibly bad taste.

Meet HOOVER

2005-06-13T21:23:00.000-07:00

Mum and Dad's new puppy ! I am in love :) Oh I want one I want one I want one !!!

2005-05-12T23:42:00.000-07:00

Happy Friday everyone !

one year today ..

2005-05-05T17:07:00.000-07:00

.. and I still miss him ..

I hate dreaming

2005-05-03T02:22:00.000-07:00

The one horrible thing about having no vices (other than cigarettes) means you dream so much more ..

It is beginning to sh!t me !

Last night I dreamt I became friends with a girl named Miss M who looked like a Miss M I used to know. I went to visit her, and more oddly she lived in the same apartment building as the original, but a different unit ..

When I was leaving my new friend's unit, I ran into the Miss M I used to know but she was much much older and much nicer than she ever was ..

The night before I dreamt my husband got himself a girlfriend and I was oK with this !!

I am beginning to think my subconscious really belongs to a 45 year old hooker from Dallas who has no taste ..

No wonder prozac/valium and sleeping tabets are so popular if this is what everyone else has been dealing with all these years I was in a fog ! ARGH

Wednesday Night Standup - Yakov Smirnoff

2005-04-05T21:35:00.000-07:00

I had no idea Yakov Smirnoff was a real person. I thought the writer of "King of the Hill" was making him up as it was an amusing name and Bobby (one of the characters) sounds silly when doing an accent ..

But no .. he is definitely real .. well he has a website so it's at least close to real :) You can read it here.

Or, here is a snippet ..

· Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list.

· In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.

· In Russia, if a male athlete loses he becomes a female athelete.

· Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.

Cartoons anyone ?

2005-04-04T00:16:00.000-07:00

If you like the SIMS then this cartoon may be the sort of humour you appreciate :)
Click on the picture to be able to read the words without squinting ..

I am so naughty

2005-03-31T22:42:00.000-08:00

I just bought myself 2 tickets to Kylie .. and LOOK where I will be sitting/standing !! My husband will want to take away my bank account access now, not just my credit cards :) At least it is happening days before my birthday .. Hope I can reason with him !!

snubbed !

2005-03-31T18:00:00.000-08:00

Well .. seems she was just waiting for Hamish to return home .. Clover is doing quite well. She has adjusted back to her normal schedule and while she is extremely angry with us for not showing her the attention she believes she deserves, she has stopped yowling at the bedroom door at night.

Only a few more days until her radiation levels will have dropped sufficiently so we can cuddle her for hours instead of in 15 minutes lots .. but I actually don't mind not having her steal half the bed from me in the middle of the night ..

In lighter news .. she has become somewhat of an ALCOHOLIC ! Well she is certainly addicted to beer cartons at any rate :o)

A big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my Mum for Sunday. And Mum, if you are reading this, who told you this site existed !?

one little fur ball equals one big headache

2005-03-29T15:33:00.000-08:00

don't get me wrong .. I love my cat to pieces and I am SOOOOO SOOOO happy she is home ! I spent a wonderful night last night on the couch with my little girl beside me dribbling, purring and twitching in her sleep :)

I think she is suffering from separation anxiety though even when she is with me ! She also seems to have picked up some bad habits from the other kitties in the hospital .. She spent all night last night (well from 2am until when I got up) yowling at the bedroom door ..

I am so tired today !

OH and in important news .. HAMISH IS BACK IN AUSTRALIA !!! YAY !! :)

She is coming home today

2005-03-28T17:55:00.000-08:00

Just an update on Clover .. After 7 whole nights in the hospital, I got the call I have been waiting for about an hour ago ..

I CAN PICK HER UP TODAY !

Poor little thing has apparently been fretting a lot .. But hey, so have I !! I can't wait ..

I wanna go home now !!!! :)

Hamish comes home tomorrow .. Finally my little family will be back together (and I won't have to pretend to be brave when I see a spider in the house) YAY :D

Cross your fingers

2005-03-20T18:01:00.000-08:00

Everyone cross your fingers for Clover !

She is going in to the kitty hospital tomorrow (though I haven't told her yet) for radiation treatment .. She has something called Feline Hyperthyroidism, which is apparantly something on the rise of late.

So if you own a cat, look out for big appetites and constant meowing .. (not like you can avoid flea treatments and canned cat foods which they attribute to the disease) ..

*sigh*

Is there ever a time when life is perfect?

2005-03-20T16:01:00.000-08:00

Is there ever a time when life is perfect?

I often think back to when I was a kid with no responsibilities, no worries and as long as my bike was in working order I was never bored either. I remember being that age though, where life seems perfect from the outside, and wishing I was older so that nobody could tell me what to do and I wouldn't have to go to school anymore.

Then when I got old enough to move out of home I was introduced to money problems. Living out of home on what seemed like a kings ransom when I was at my parents' place soon became an exercise in finding sources of free food and avoiding purchasing train tickets. I would sometimes have to sacrifice food for fuel just to be able to get to and from the railway station.

During this time my sole purpose was to find a way to earn more money. I found a way to earn more money and at the same time I found a way to spend it all. So, I tried to earn more money. I earned more money, I spent more money.

It seems to me now that although I have spent my entire life waiting for something to change so that it gets better it probably won't get any better than it is now. I can eat ice cream for dinner if I want to, (not that I do) I can afford to both eat and put petrol in my car, I have a lovely wife, a cat, a decent car, a boat and a good job, but I spend my whole life wishing I didn't have any responsibilities. No car payments, no job, no pressure...

So really, what's the point here? What is this caper all about? Was life really supposed to be like this? Was the idea for society to recognise an official commodity really that smart a move?

I often ask why I am doing this, after all my life is just the consequences of choices I make. Theoretically I could quit my job, sell my car and catch a train to QLD to eke out a relaxing life by the beach somewhere, but I can't. I don't know why I can't. I just can't. Security perhaps? Ego maybe?

When I think about the things that I am saving for and would like to buy down the track I often ask myself if it is worth having to work and slave for most of your waking life just to have a shiny new possession in the drive way or living room. Would I actually be better off taking a part time job to cover the rent, food and petrol and leaving the rest?

I probably need to have a more serious think about this situation. I've been scraping the surface for years but I've never actually sat down and had a good hard think about why it is I come to work every day.

Does anyone want to pay me to watch cartoons?

I love dilbert ..

2005-03-08T14:16:00.000-08:00

.. and loathe my job .. can't have everything my own way though !

Happy Friday has MOVED

2005-03-02T20:10:00.000-08:00

If you have come here looking for the gentle (PAH) meanderings of the Happy Friday team, you have come to the wrong place !

Please point your browser to Happy Friday Inc.

is your screen dirty ?

2005-02-10T20:31:00.000-08:00

adorable

Please Don't Treat Me Like a Fool Until You're Sure I Am One

2005-01-19T19:33:00.001-08:00

Hi Sally,

Thank you for your response.

I have no experience in credit, I have never worked in finance. I was
purely enquiring on behalf of a friend. I haven't dealt with recruitment
agencies in at least four years as my contacts in Sydney, in the IT
industry, are more than enough to keep me working in IT until my
retirement in 40 years time. This considered, along with your comments
below make it difficult for me to believe that you do actually have my
resume or my application.

You may have breached the Privacy Act by giving me the information below
as I can only assume that your organisation has confused me with an
applicant for the job. I would like to offer the advice that perhaps
stronger checks on your system prior to disclosing personal information
about your applicants would advisable to keep XXXX out of a string of
nasty suits filed on behalf of the people whose information you are
sharing. I can assure you that I will destroy this email for you in
order that you may avoid such a situation this time around.

I still find it hard to understand how keeping basic information about a
role from the general public that can positively affect the quality of
your applicants allows an equal footing for all to apply, but I guess
it's not important since I am not located in QLD, I have no experience
in the finance industry and I am not interested in the role.

I hope you have lovely weekend and if there is anything I can do to help
you in procuring software to avoid these situations in future please let
me know.

Kind Regards,
Hamish XXX
Software Licensing Specialist
XXXXX Australia
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

-----Original Message-----
From: Sally
Sent: Friday, 10 December 2004 1:55 PM
To: Hamish@XXX
Subject: FW: Receipt of your application

Hamish

Thank you for taking the time to email us with your concerns.

The fact that you have received the first email from us, indicates that
you have applied for the role as it is an automatic response to every
Seek/CareerOne/Mycareer application that is received. I actually have
your resume and Seek application in front of me.

The reason that we do not generally disclose salary ranges over the
phone is to allow all candidates an equal chance to apply. If they are
not suitable for the particular role to which they have applied, we may
have others on our books at the time that they would be suitable for (we
do necessarily advertise all roles). In this particular case, the salary
range has not been set and will be based purely on candidates experience
and relevance for the role. This is quite common in the recruitment
industry.

With regards to your application, you do not have enough marketing
experience for the role. Your background seems to be very credit
focused, and whilst this is within the financial services industry, I
need both the marketing and financial service experience to consider
applicants.

If you would like us to consider your resume for other roles, please do
not hesitate to contact me.

Regards

Sally

Sally XXXX
Manager
XXXX Office Support

-----Original Message-----
From: Sally@XXXX]
Sent: Friday, 10 December 2004 12:33 PM
To: Sally XXXX
Subject: FW: Receipt of your application

Sally XXXX
XXXX
sally@XXXX

The leading specialist recruitment and HR services group.

-----Original Message-----
From: Brodie XXXX
Sent: Friday, 10 December 2004 12:30 PM
To: Sally XXXX
Subject: FW: Receipt of your application

-----Original Message-----
From: Hamish
[mailto:Hamish@XXXX]
Sent: Friday, 10 December 2004 11:58 AM
To: boxbo@XXXX
Subject: RE: Receipt of your application

Hi Brodie,

I have not applied. I am having a lot of trouble finding out the salary
range, which is what I asked for in the first place and what I called
about this morning only to be told it was going to be based on
experience and there was definitely no salary range specified by the
client.

I find it a little hard to believe that there is no salary range given,
a truthful, "We can't disclose that information." would have been
appreciated and far more ethical.

The recruitment industry has a poor reputation among applicants and the
fact that you haven't even read my email has perpetuated it.

Kind Regards,
Hamish XXXX

-----Original Message-----
From: Brodie@XXXX
Sent: Friday, 10 December 2004 12:50 PM
To: Hamish@XXXX
Subject: Receipt of your application

Just a short note to acknowledge receipt of your information.

Thank you for your interest. We shall be preparing a list of
individuals for interview and, should you be successful in gaining an
initial interview, we will be in contact with you in the next week or
so.

If you do not hear from us within this time, you will not have been
initially selected.

You can view a full list of all the positions we have available at
www.XXXX.com.au.

Should you not wish us to use your details in this selection process,
please let me know.

Yours sincerely

Brodie XXXXXXXX
Administrator
XXXX

Don't F*ck With Me, or I'll Write You Annoying Little Emails for All Eternity

2005-01-19T18:35:00.001-08:00

I’ll let you know what response I get when I get one. Hopefully they’ll offer me an interview. I'm hoping some of you can contribute a similar email you've sent to anyone at all. I'll post them up for you.

The main aim is to say some things that show familiararity, (like the name of my old boss and the 4 foot blonde thing below) but also to seem completely out of your mind. I wish I could find the email I once wrote to contactus@microsoft.com.au asking when Bill Gates was going to withdraw his troops from Iraq.

Hi,

I want a job. I don't want to drink international roast or work in that shitty tape division, OR get paid less than $200 a week after tax this time.

I will also need a car and a mobile phone allowance and there will need to be more drug dealers on site. Last time I worked there I only met 7 and you can't be guaranteed decent weed when there is such a small amount of competition.

Do you guys have decent product or am I still going to be peddling absolute crap for inflated prices to people who don't want to hear from me? There will need to be fewer losers there, there were heaps of them last time. There was this one guy who used to tell us about the sweat and undie fluff that used to collect in his bum crack. He was about 8 feet high and had a blonde 'fro. He'll need to be gone before I get there.

I also don't want to have to tell people I am selling 4 foot blondes with no teeth and a flat head, as I was instructed to do in the past, and I don't want to enter people in a raffle for a non-existent BMW.

Do you have computers yet?

I like your new website. It's all shiny.

Finally, I'll need my porno collection back. Last time Giles stole it and spent the rest of the afternoon in the toilet.

If you can meet my demands I would be happy to come and work for Scribal group again but only as a division manager. Please respond to this email address.

Yours Sincerely,

Konrad

2004-12-13T16:19:00.001-08:00

This is the first day in at least 4 years I haven't come in to work with either a green over or a hang over or both. I was hoping for an action packed day so I could really get stuck into some work and show myself how much of my life I have been wasting over the last few years.
There isn't a lot of work to do, but I am so incredibly efficient that I'm as bored as bat shit.
Health kicks are great and all, but what's the point if I just end up insane? The people around me here have commented that I have WAY too much energy today. I can't figure out what gave me away, was it the fact that I can cram 8 sentences into 3.75 seconds? Was it the fact that my eyes are wide open and I'm making them all uneasy? Maybe it was the running race I challenged my boss to. Or the Tom Cruise from Mission Impossible impression I did when the coffee van turned up. In any case, being healthy isn't healthy.

Beer is my mistress and she gives me a good hammering

2004-12-12T20:04:00.001-08:00

I went golfing yesterday. If you could call it that. Two guys golfed, one guy drove the cart and I swore at a little white ball.
Strangely enough beer SIGNIFICANTLY increased my ability to hit the ball. Before long I was as drunk as a skunk and hitching a ride around on the cart because walking was not an option but I managed to hit a few crackers.
Then I had a few too many beers and I couldn't be bothered playing any more. I think I'll just do nine holes from now on and I'll take nine beers with me.
If only drinking made my driving better. It sure makes me a better golfer, funnier, sexier, stronger, more intelligent and invincible.

So many photos, so little time

2004-12-06T21:15:00.000-08:00

I think there are around 3 or 4 hundred snaps from our wedding day .. so you will just have to be satisfied with our favourites !

Angry? Tired? Violated? Decisions Decisions...

2004-11-30T14:53:00.001-08:00

Someone tried to break into our house yesterday.
They didn't get in, but it still shits us.
I'm not sure whether I want to hunt down and torture before killing the would-be robbers or whether I'd just like to sleep.
Perhaps I should flip a coin.

On the lighter side, we have a new toy that I absolutely love. We have a Homer Simpson 'fridge buddy who talks as soon as the 'fridge light goes on. I know that one day I'll tire of him and end up throwing him in a bucket of water but right now, "mmmmmm... sooommmmeetthhhiiinnnnggg..." is hilarious.
"I could really go a hot dog right now!"
"It's OK... nobody panic! Everything's going to be alright as long as I've got enough beer."

My girlfriend Joel

2004-11-24T16:36:00.001-08:00

This was pay back for those times he got me drunk and managed to get me to wear make-up. The most unfortunate part of my wearing make-up is that I don't have a lot of skill on the application side of things so I looked like a big hairy 4 year old whose Mum popped out to the shops.
He was drunk, and I got him more drunk and managed to get him to put the thing on. Luckily the dress got stuck on him and there is a whole series of photos of his brother trying to pry it off him.
He thought he was safe because I rarely get films developed, but this one slipped in with our wedding photos by accident.
Notice his goatee that has been affectionately named "The Vagina"

Honeymoon - Wellington

2004-11-10T14:58:00.000-08:00

Jillby K -

FINALLY ! A sleep in :). We both finally rest up. Drive into Wellington City and grab some food. Then it is on to the National Museum called “Te Papa”. This means “Our Place”, even though “Te” is meant to mean “The” *shrug*. I thoroughly enjoyed the animal exhibits. All stuffed but very intriguing. Hamish’s highlight was the Kingswood that had been re-done in corrugated iron !! Sacrilege I say ! We traipse around town afterwards locating Xmas stuff so we can celebrate it early with Hamish’s nana tomorrow since we won’t be back beforehand then head off in search of the Cable Car. Wellington City traffic is as horrendous as Sydney’s.

Ham Sandwich -

I go and see Victoria University where my father went, leaving Jill to sit and rest her feet on the edge of a field. As I walked around blindly, it occurs to me that I’ll never have my parents insight into these places with me as I tour. A grown up feeling enters me, not a feeling of contentment as it has been before, an empty feeling engulfs me. I realize my constant battle for independence, a battle I’ve been fighting since I was 6 years old, has it’s draw backs.

I yearn for my parents guidance as I randomly snap picturesque views. My brother was last here with Dad. For the first time since he was a small baby, jealousy attacks. One day he’ll realise how lucky he was to have a guided tour of where he came from. Something I got when I was too young to remember the smallest part of it back in 1990 when I was 11.

We head to 20 Wisteria Grove where I lived from birth to nearly 2.

I knock on the door and explain that I lived there over 20 years ago and would we please have a look around the outside. The older man at the door is unsure but lets us through. The inside looks beautiful from what we see from outside, but he let the backyard get overgrown and spoiled the incredible view. The house is on a cliff overlooking Wellington.

After a quick goodbye, the puzzle is complete and we finish the night with lobster and mussels.

Honeymoon - Christchurch to Wellington

2004-11-09T22:06:00.000-08:00

Jillby K -

Woke up before the sparrows and began walking with all our bags to the train station. Made it as far as the front gate before we admitted defeat and called for a taxi.

Fairly uneventful train trip to Picton. Bit of a novelty to be on a train with a "Dining Car'. Turns out this is simply a place to buy pre-packaged sandwiches. Over 5 hours later, we arrive in Picton and walk for over 15 minutes to find the towns only ATM. then walk back the same streets at break-neck speed to get to the Interislander Ferry in time. Needn't have bothered as the Ferry didn't leave for another hour ! Over 45 minutes late !!! Actually "Ferry" is in fact a ship. My Dad taught me that if it carries boats (ie lifeboats) then it is a ship. And this thing carried that and more ! Ever train carriages !!! I mainly enjoyed the fact that the Ferry had shops :) Though I refrained from buying anything, it was nice to browse them so I didn't have to sit still and get sea-sick on the crossing.

Ham Sandwich -

After a brush with some people I was SURE were from an area called 'Dodge City' in Windsor (think two holdens, three fords and washing machine in the front yard and a limited number of teeth), we sailed into Wellington. She turned on all her charms, a windy, wet, cold day. Wellington looked familiar. Even though I didn't recognise anything in particular I recognised Wellington. I felt a little strange sailing in like I was at home. I know the emotion was nothing on what I will feel as I fly back over Sydney Harbour in a week and a halfs time, but I felt like I'd finally seen where I came from, like the final piece of the puzzle was about to be put into place.

I felt like my family were with me, and not for the first time this trip I shed a quiet solitary tear.

Unfortunately, once we got there, Wellington bit us on the arse. After calling 30-40 hotels and motels we discovered there were no rooms available at ALL for two honeymooners. It is apparently peak corporate season and every ex-military man, and his wife, dog and sheep was in Wellington to see the anonymous NZ Soldier come home in a coffin from World War I.

The homecoming of this Soldier is a huge event in NZ and I understand the sentiments. I understand the weight of what the remains of this man represents. I can't begin to understand what he and his comrades went through. Although, since he was taken from a Commonwealth grave, I am wondering what the likelihood is of him actually being from NZ really is. They would be HORRIFIED if they ever found out he was from 'Across the ditch'. We're welcomed with the same enthusiasm American tourist are in Sydney.

We rent a Corolla (I BEAM) and find another caravan park. A roof is a roof is a roof.

Honeymoon - Hokitika to Christchurch

2004-11-09T04:56:00.000-08:00

Ham Sandwich -

What a bitch of a day ! We started off driving across the country, but an attempt to stop for fuel put me in a foul mood. For some reason you have to have
a special card to use the high-flow diesel pumps. "F*ck em, we'll go somewhere else !" I scream to Jill across a bloody Caltex. I drive off at a cracking pace
grumbling, "F*cking Caltex, all go to a 'How to p*ss off the customer' school .. have to have a pansy bloody card .. I HATE Caltex, I HATE them !" for the
next 20 or so minutes. I have had a number of extraordinarily ordinary experiences with them as a small fleet owner in the past.

We get to another 'No Frills' servo and I find the same thing. A local stands open-mouthed as he witnesses the first 'flick turn' ever done by a camper van,
where you reduce the vehicles turning circle by keeping the steering on full lock and your right foot planted, losing traction and turning like a race car
pivoting on the front wheels (a half donut if you like). I go inside and ask if we're allowed to buy ciggies or are they reserved for left handed lesbians.
Jill is absolutely mortified.

Sufficiently cranky I spend the next two hours racing my camper against a briskly driven MR2. We keep up for the most part, up hill sections being our weakness.

We get to Christchurch and get our train tickets, then drive for 45 minutes looking for a 'Maccas'. I'm starting to learn (I'm a slow learner) that Jill
hasn't inherited either of her parents' navigating skills. We go around in circles for much of the time.

Find some really sh*tty accommodation and are relieved to leave the place the next day.

Jillby K -

Just to clarify, McDonalds was not listed on ANY map. We had previously passed it over a week earlier after picking up the campervan, whilst lost, trying to
find a supermarket. To be fair, Hamish should have known where it was if I should have ! There is nothing wrong with my navigational skills ! I simply had to
get us as lost as we had been the week before so we could re-stumble over the seemingly only McDonalds in all of Christchurch.

Honeymoon - Franz Josef Glacier to Hokitika

2004-11-07T07:59:00.000-08:00

Jillby K -

Went to see the Franz Josef Glacier. Guide books all advise this is a 20 minute walk. I think I can do this in an hour. Hamish has other ideas. We get to the end of the 20 minute walk, and he decides you cannot go this far and not keep going. 90-120 minutes round trip this mutha of a walk is meant to take ! I bitch and gripe the WHOLE way there. We see the Californian couple we have already run into twice in Bluff.. 8 or so hours away. A bit bizarre to see them out here ! Hamish races off to touch the glacier. Later realise there is a piece much much closer. I touch this part instead. Stuff exerting more energy ! Walk back to camper feels a lot shorter.

Ham Sandwich -

The glacier is not as I had imagined, I was expecting a huge wall of ice perpendicular to the ground. I am reminded yet again that 90 degree angles and straight lines are a human invention, but the mass of ice that looked like a huge knocked over Slurpee covered in playground gravel at one end was breathtaking as it was.

We hit the road after yet another eggs benedict. Jill teases me for ordering them again but follows suit ! :)

Two hours later we are in Hokitika, the Jade capital of NZ and twice run into Californian Wesley and his bride. It's all just getting a bit weird for me. I'll expect him to be delivering my mail and working in my locals from now on. His moustache is haunting my subconscious.

After buying Jill a lovely ring and picking up gifts for most of our families (why are Dads so hard to buy for?) I am heartily sick and tired of shopping.

Jillby K -

Take Hamish into ONE LAST SHOP. The supermarket, but here it is OK, they sell beer :) Wish they did at home so he would be as pleasant about it normally ! Head off to camp for our last night in the campervan, thank GOD !! No ducks here unfortunately. The do have chickens, 3 goats, 1 cow, 2 emus and some alpacas however which is quite amusing. Get a good giggle at the Europeans wearing socks and clogs oggling the emu.

Tomorrow we are driving across to Christchurch to drop off the camper and head to the North Island.

Honeymoon - Queenstown to Franz Josef Glacier

2004-11-07T01:01:00.000-08:00

Jillby K -

Began day with ducks snapping at the fluff on my slippers demanding food. Hamish helped round up the aggro duck and his gal pals while I sneaked food to the lame duck. I am such a sucker for a needy animal.

Ham Sandwich -

Drove for 5 or 6 hours through some of the most fantastic roads. As we twisted and turned through the NZ countryside I began to find the rear grip limits of our tame and timid Mercedes camper. A second turbo, lower centre of gravity, shorter wheel base and larger collection of CDs on my wish list.

By the time we reached Franz Josef I was beat, but not so badly as to pass up the opportunity to mingle with the locals at the only bar for 200km.

Jillby K -

I decide a bar in a caravan park is a bad idea. Hamish disagrees. I get drunk, put money into the jukebox, sing along far too loudly and need help getting back to camp. Thank God for my husband !

Honeymoon - Queenstown Part II

2004-11-05T21:02:00.000-08:00

Jillby K -

We were visited by the friendly neighbourhood ducks again today. Noticed one of them was lame and everytime I threw it food, one of the male ducks put his head to the ground and chased it away ! I was horrified ! Started to systematically try and only give this poor duck some bread while Hamish chased the mean duck around the park, swearing and throwing Coke bottle lids. Must have looked a sight ! All for a good cause however ..

Ham Sandwich -

After our visit from Donald Duck Trump and his healthy entourage, we headed up the hill to the gondolas. Queenstown has a cable car ride that takes you up the side of a mountain at 60 or 70 degrees, to a 2 track concrete Luge. After Jill ensured we weren't going to Luge down the whole mountain, an activity the gondola operator speculated would have her screaming into the lake about a kilometre from the end of the slope, leaving a trail of fire behind her, we boarded our gondola and up we went.

It became apparent that we had both chosen the wrong seats. I was facing a near vertical paddock, Jill was looking over Queenstown. Her freaking out worsened as the town grew smaller but luckily the ride finished before the waterworks started.

At what we thought was the top of the mountain, we were instructed to board a chair lift to go further still towards God and his all day party.

Unfortunately, before we could smell God's heavenly champagne or hear Jesus' circus midgets and Playboy bunnies frolicking in the pool of all pools, we found the beginning of the Luge track and all bets were off. Like a finely tuned athlete my heart rate went up, my eyes squinted slightly and focussed, and I strapped my stack hat on like I had done it a million times before. This is where we sort out the wives from the husbands and I was going to make a go of it for my ego.

Fortunately, there was never any challenge from the red-haired barron, but I must note to her credit she showed an unexpected turn of speed after her first run.

Jillby K -

We got 5 thrilling Luges down the top of the mountain (and 5 equally thrilling rides back up on the chairlift). Then it was inside the gift shop with Hamish rolling his eyes and dragging his feet. Meanwhile I wanted to buy everything and was privately wondering how I might get it all back down. After the bare minimum of fuss, I was dragged out of the shop and back into the gondola. Loved the view of the grass and Hamish appeared to enjoy the dazzling view of Queenstown from WAY too high. We headed into town to seek more thrills but found more shops. YAY ! (Poor.. poor Hamish). The ducks were waiting for us when we got back to camp. Only the aggro one was a smidge more timid and one of his girlfriends got snappy with him during the afternoon stale bread feeding. HA !

Honeymoon - Queenstown

2004-11-04T22:04:00.000-08:00

Jillby K -

I have THE best shower ever experienced in a caravan park. The water pressure is enough so I can finally wash the wedding gunk out. YAY ! As I exit, I see a group of ducks ! AGAIN with the ducks. This group are very tame. They all waddle over and start quacking at me ! I head back to camp and they follow me. Hamish and I feed them some bread. I taught a few how to beg. 1 even flew from the ground up to my hand. I think I am going to LOVE it here.

Ham Sandwich -

We have decided that Queenstown is our kind of place ! The atmosphere is part Gold Coast, part Port Macquarie. Relaxed without the plasticy feel .. We discover in a CD shop that they sell speed and ecstacy substitutes here over the counter ... legally ... Chemicals have never been my cup of tea but I have worked with a few people that would have fainted on the spot. This really is a free country.

We went on the Shotover Jet today. The way our driver twisted and turned so close to the rocks and trees made even this angry man swoon. We got off the boat dizzy, disoriented and determined to find more enjoyable jobs.

This guy drives a boat for a living! SIDEWAYS !

We've booked a third night here, our campsite is bordered by a path, two other campsites and a creek. As I write this hundreds of litres of water swirl past less than a metre from the back of our truck.

The spa is booked for this evening and I can't believe how lucky I am to be here having a spectacular holiday so far with such a wonderful woman.

It must be time for a can of my favourite "freend in thu frudge".

Honeymoon - Invercargill to Milford Sound to Queenstown

2004-11-03T17:05:00.000-08:00

Ham Sandwich -

Wake up in Ivercargill, head to Milford Sound. As the mountains get closer, the roads get worse and the rain starts to fall. I get excited. This is what NZ is about. Sh*t weather, windy roads and the most spectacular scenery I have ever seen. We head into a 1km tunnel that heads down a steep slope. I thonestly feels like the goat track to hell, but it was worth it. When we came out the other end, SNOW ! and evidence of avalanches. I start humming the Speights theme wondering if I would ever be a proud Southern Man !

Then everything goes blurry. At first I think "Oh well, I had a good run. I guess dying behind the wheel is a good place for me to go". I look over at Jill for one last smile and she's not blurry. Holy Crap !!! The windscreen wipers are broken !!!

After a quick repair job in the driving rain and a visit from some helpful European fellow travellers, we're back on the road.

We get to Milford Sound and I sit in the van while Jill goes in to book our cruise. She comes back and tells me we need to park and wait in the rain for a bus to the wharf. We were standing there in the semi-waterproof jackets in the pouring rain waiting for this free shuttle when in occurred to me that it rains 2 out of 3 days in this place, why on earth wouldn't they haave a covered bus stop ? Jill is sure this is where we are to wait. I suggest we should wait a little way away in the shelter where everyone else was catching buses. Nope, Jill's sure. Sort of. Then she's pretty sure ! I go in, ask where we catch the bus from and am told to wait undercover. I decide Jill's duties are now restricted to fetching things from the fridge, complimenting my driving and a few other odds and ends becomming of a new wife on her honeymoon.

Jillby K -

Our shuttle bus arrives pretty much immediately. Perhaps it was sitting around the corner waiting for us to get the pick-up spot right ? It takes us around 200 metres down the road (why bother?) and we board the boat and pay a hefty ransom for some half-decent food (for $27 I would have expected more than a salad buffet).

We can't see much through the driving rain so we head up to the top deck. I get more enjoyment from watching the US tourists cloaked in garbage bags getting blown about the place than from the view. Hamish is just rivetted by the scenery. We hold on tight as we travel through the fjord through 55 knot winds and heavy rain. (That's 100km/h winds in normal speak). It's impossible to put into words how breath-taking it was. We saw waterfall after waterfall, massive mountain after massive mountain, rare penguins, fur seals ... even dolphins ! Again with the animal magnetism ! We left the fjord and did a U-turn in the Tasman Sea. NOW we have been to both sides of the South Island and to the Southern most city. Am really feeling like we have seen some of the best this country has to offer and we haven't even seen the North Island yet !

Start feeling a bit sea-sick and am quietly happy we begin heading back to port. Hamish, predicatbly, never wants this to end. Before the journey ends, I get to see THE funniest sight. Not 1, but 2 US tourists have the bathroom door yanked open on them mid-pee while around 10-20 other touorists were milling about the general area. Had to stifle my laughter as they all had little "HI MY NAME IS ... " badged on so they probably all knew eachother. Well at least they were aware of eachothers names !

On our way back to the camper, we decide to walk (pointless getting the shuttle). I bundle my oversized handbag into the jacket but can't manager the zip. I ask my wonderful new husband to help and he is so eager, he literally zips my lip ! OUCH !!!! This gives new meaning to the term "zip your lip". I decide Hamish's duties are now restricted to driving, putting things in the fridge and opening jars !!

On to Queenstown, only abou a 4 hour drive away. By the time we get there, we have spent over 8 hours in the car and about 2 on a boat and I am sick of travelling ! Decide to spend 2 nights in Queenstown to re-find our land legs. We head out to dinner and I acquire a handbag full of pamphlets on fun (yet expensive) things to do in the area. Tomorrow we are going on a jet boat. Hey, if my nana can do it (albeit in 1971) I can damn well do it !!

Honeymoon - Dunedin to Invercargill

2004-11-02T21:13:00.000-08:00

Jillby K -

Today discover we are a magnet for ducks .. they come and hang out near our camper. Separated from Clover, I feel the need to coo at and talk to them. Hamish thinks I am just plain nuts.

Head into town for the thing I have longed for most about this trip. The CADBURY FACTORY TOUR ! Woo-bloody-hoo ! Find the camper fits in a standard street parking spot and race to the front door. Inside there is a massive display of Crunchie bars, which is unfortunately just out of reach. Have to wear hair nets, which we are OK with, however Hamish has to wear a beard net ! This resembles the possum pouch G-String we later see. cannot see Hamish's face for all the pretty white netting, which is OK as I only have eyes for chocolate at this time. Get lots of lovely free samples and spend far too much in the gift shop (ALL MINE !) which I am posting home ... umm ... soon ! Though at this rate, I might need to re-stock !

Ham Sandwich -

More grocery shopping. Our first marital tiff ! I just f-ing hate supermarkets, they sh*t me ! With all the standing and the looking and the waiting and paying. Scr*w Coles Myer ! Damn them to HELL !

Head further south. SOOO sooo south ! I am expecting a bloke in a red suit with a horns and a pitchfork to be hitching a ride.

Get to Invercargill. Unimpressed. Mostly with our maps, but the place isn't spectacular. Go to Bluff. Far more impressed with Invercargill.

Beep at Gothic teen and friends in middle of road with no intention of moving. Get flipped the bird. Anrgy man surfaces. Brakes locked, head out window. Full "cooking vacabulary" exhausted. Teen sprints into forest. Not exactly a courqageoous fellow.

Meet Californian couple. Had just been to Aus. Found Canberra boring, tries to chat with me, hoping to bone up on his NZ lingo. I can only help with Aus.

Jillby K -

See Stewart Island in the distance. Apparantly the only place to see a Kiwi in the wild. Obviously Lonely Planet writers have never been to Bluff lookout and met the local gothic teens.

Grab some fish and chips (not sure if Hamish wants this just to hear the locals say it). Park in a lovely spot near the water to eat. Discover that it is not only ducks drawn to us, it is also mosquito type insects, bees, moths, pretty much anything with a pulse !

Head back to camp. Insects follow us. Why did Britz NOT install fly screens on this damn camper ?

Ham Sandwich -

Fascists ! That's why !

Honeymoon - Timaru to Dunedin

2004-11-01T17:17:00.000-08:00

Ham Sandwich -

Had breakfast on the bay, predictably, eggs benedict. Food good, except bacon which is shit all over NZ we find out. Streaky bacon ? WTF ? Jill says "Fatty Bacon". I rename it "that shit".

Jillby K -

Head south. Lots of moss covered mountains. Hamish says they're hills ! Everbody in NZ seems to own at least 1 sheep ! Also NZ farmers bloody show-offs. Not enough to have tree lined fences, they have to turn them into massive hedges !! Who is this 10 foot person travelling the country pruning them all ? He's bloody rich whoever he is. Think it may be Jim (or is that Jum ?) as Jim's Mowing has certainly cracked the market here.

Arrive in Dunedin. Get lost finding the caravan park as no 1 map covers the whole area. Head out on the town, discover the local brewery has late tour. BRILLIANT ! Our first touristy thing to do.

Ham Sandwich -

Brewery tour awesome. Finally I find some decent beer. Thankyou Mr John Speight ! LOVE the history of the place. Later find out it's now owned by Lion Nathan, the same lucky bastard that owns Tooheys and also Squire. The similarities between Speights boutique beers and Squire is incredible, right down to the labels and 6 pack cardboard cartons. Beer flavoured ice cream less than ordinary. See some teens, had to try VERY hard not to slip into Hamish from the "Bronx" (South Windsor) in my slightly drunken state.

Looking for a cab, find instead that my mother is right. This is actually a FREE country unlike home. Purchase large bag of fireworks. I can't deny I was a little turned on by carrying a bag of explosives that were all mine and completely legal. Find cab, realise while chatting to driver that Australia is in stark contrast, there aren't even bins on railway platforms at home any more for fear of the sort of device I just bought a bag full of !

Honeymoon - Christchurch to Timaru

2004-11-01T00:28:00.000-08:00

Ham Sandwich -

Today - Sleep. Wake up, I feel sick, Jill manages an omlette. More sleep.
Pick up camper after over an hour wait. Hamish FRUSTRATED!!!

Supermarkets here have beer and wine although, what beer ? What do I buy ? What if it's crap ? I take the plunge and get some awful beer. 12 PACKS FOR $13.95 ! All beer seems to be mid strength.

Had trouble finding the place after chick at Britz thought she'd send us for a left handed screw-driver, a supermarket that didn't exist.

Supermarkets called Countdown ? Where's the dude with the hat. Also some called New World ! Reeks of 80's cheese to me.

Jillby K -

Pick up NZ Phone Card. Who would have known Telstra hadn't infiltrated NZ !

Ham Sandwich -

Head to Timaru where Vaughan grew up. Stayed at Top Ten Caravan Park. Missed seeing Vaughan's parents due to time of day and the fact that it is a week day.

MARRIED !

2004-10-31T04:33:00.000-08:00

Ham Sandwich -

Landed in Christchurch after a business class accident with a bourbon and coke and a beautiful wedding dress. No more details in print as it was our wedding night.

2004-10-25T22:35:00.000-07:00

It won't be long now and I'll be married.
Everyone has been telling me to enjoy my last week of freedom. Frankly, I don't call this freedom. I'm stuck in an office talking to large volumes of idiots about the driest, most boring subject this side of tax accountancy, I have things I have to organise before the wedding for fear of a near terminal nagging session that may just burst my ear drums. I am also spewing money from every orifice at an alarming rate of knots.
I can't wait to be on the plane and in the air on my way to the land of the long white cloud. 3 weeks with no plans. THAT's FREEDOM!

- Ham

hi-diddly-eye neighbour-e-nose !

2004-10-25T21:36:00.000-07:00

This is my last post sans-Hamish's surname. Tomorrow is my last day at work, and I don't imagine I will have time to get online to post about the hectic goings-on in the lead up to the wedding. I will be too busy organising flowers, packing bags, moving the dress from hiding to my Mum's house, getting my hair done, and generally trying REALLY hard not to think about it all too much !!

There may be a Happy Friday from Hamish this Friday, but otherwise, goodbye from Jillby the Singleton ! :)

Does anyone have an asprin?

2004-10-04T16:45:00.000-07:00

Does anyone have an asprin?

Ham Sandwich

.. the countdown is most definitely ON ..

2004-09-23T17:02:00.000-07:00

I am so glad this week has finally arrived ! I have my dress fitting this weekend .. Next weekend are our Hens/Bucks evenings .. Then we have meetings with the Celebrant, the venue, another party to organise and finally .. Our Wedding and (thank-bloody-god-it's-about-frigging-time) the Honeymoon !! HOLIDAYS !!!

I have been hanging in there by the tips of my finger nails waiting for this holiday for over a year now .. I am looking forward to sleeping in, not caring if I even have a job and spending money on shite other than white dresses and table decorations .. Who knew you had to care about such trivial things as paper cones for confetti .. but apparantly you do ..

My advice to anyone out there considering getting hitched .. ELOPE ! ELOPE NOW !!!!!!!

Jillby J X

Dribbles, Vomit and Man-Hugs

2004-09-22T21:59:00.000-07:00

If you are a male friend of mine, BUCKLE UP!!!

The second of October is my bucks night, so get your drinking hat on, and leave your X-Ray glasses at home.

Ham Sandwich

.. august finally !! ..

2004-08-09T21:08:00.000-07:00

all I am doing these days is counting down .. to my bloody holiday ! COME ON TIME OFF WORK .. HURRY THE HELL UP !!

Work gave me a new computer .. I don't know why .. perhaps this is a peace offering for letting me be HAMMERED by nuisance customers with no back-up ..

Not sure how much I can really write here .. someone at work blabbed about this place and now there are DANGEROUS people out there who know how to read all this .. while I would love to sit here and trash my workplace all day .. apparantly more than the walls have ears here :(

Jillby

.. chitty chitty bang bang ..

2004-07-20T23:54:00.000-07:00

Has anyone ever felt like they are going slowly, certafiably, insane ?

I always thought, when it finally happened to me, that it would be sudden, like getting exploded .. *sigh* I'm not sure what's worse now ..

Jillby J

.. time is .. dragging .. its hands ..

2004-07-19T22:35:00.000-07:00

I dont know what the scientific reason is .. but when youre waiting for something .. time just DRAGS !

So anyway .. not only am I looking forward to my wedding (I get to marry my best friend .. what could be better !?), BUT after my wedding, on the very same day, I am flying to New Zealand for 3 weeks to relax and spend time with my new hubbie ! .. In total .. I get FOUR WEEKS off work ! oh joy ! :) It's taking so long to arrive though ..

CMON TIME YOU B*ST*RD !! I NEED A HOLIDAY !!

Jillby XX

whale watching in Sydney

2004-07-15T22:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, the company I work for took everyone out on a boat to go whale spotting off the coast of Sydney ..

They're not very interesting animals really .. I think National Geographic and Discovery should be ashamed of themselves for making them look as interesting as they do in those damn documentaries !!

I reckon you should stay in and watch it on TV. You can't freeze to death, get sea sick, fall overboard and get eaten by a shark .. PLUS the people of National Geographic are always going to have better photography equipment to capture those pictures you want to remember forever !!

PS IF however you're getting taken along by someone, or going as a group, it's a lovely day out (if unlike me you don't get sea sick easily :)) There is nothing like seeing it live !

XX Jillby

Mutterings of the Irrelevant

2004-07-12T22:28:00.000-07:00

Ever have one of those days when you have a lot to do, you know you have to do it, but you just couldn't be fucked? Those days where you wonder what it was about this lifestyle that attracted you? Those days where you just want to get up and leave your desk without an explanation as to where you're going and then dance around in the company gardens naked? I find that last one much more appealing when the sprinklers are on.
I'd much rather be fishing right now than sitting here, crapping on endlessly about boring.... stuff...
It reminds me of a Chandler line from Friends, "I better get going, because if I don't enter those numbers, it doesn't really matter."

-Ham

.. ltns ..

2004-07-12T21:36:00.000-07:00

or .. long time no see .. if you've no idea what I'm on about ..

We haven't posted in ages .. but then life has been about one thing of late -

So we do have a decent excuse !! :)

Jillby X

If it's my birthday and no one gets drunk, do I still get older?

2004-06-21T23:30:00.000-07:00

My birthday is coming up.

Expect a trip to the James Squire Brewery coming right up!

"Maybe it’s the beer talking, Marge, but you got a butt that won’t quit. They've got these chewy pretzels ...…five dollars? Get out of here."

- Ham

I damn thee to hell!

2004-06-01T00:15:00.000-07:00

A dirty rotten snake entered my house today. A thief, a liar and a cheat. It didn't steal anything from me, but its victim finds the action of this snake particularly amusing. Once he'd had a chance to cool down a bit at his significant loss, he started laughing and hasn't stopped in 2 hours.
It's no conciliation to me. I have Bongo the Chimp licking the carpet clean. If only freight was cheaper and human heads were easier to come by.

Hamish

.. thankyou ..

2004-05-24T16:03:00.000-07:00

Thanks to everyone who came on Saturday night to help celebrate my birthday !

Luna Park was just like it used to be .. well Coney Island definitely is ! Though some of the rides looked like they had been brought in from the Easter Show .. such as the pirate ship type thing that was actually a semi trailer jacked up ! Oh how safe it looked .. NOT !

It was a fun night too (well I had fun !).. we had yummy mexican food and 9 jugs of sangria between 15 of us .. I think there was also the odd Margerita and beer had ! I got a special drink of tequila and lime juice poured into my mouth before my head was shaken about by the owner of the venue once he found out it was my birthday ! Somehow .. I managed to not spit it out ! OH YAY !! I think Hamish was really proud :)

On my actual birthday I managed to drink a whole bottle of wine .. all on my own !! AND I had to come to work today ! The corrupting power Hamish has ..

Jillby J

Hamish is a star !

2004-05-20T21:03:00.000-07:00

These are the lovely flowers he sent to me at work just because it's my birthday .. lovely !! Thanks Hamish ! :)

Jillby X

.. it's my party and I won't bloody cry ! ..

2004-05-20T20:30:00.000-07:00

.. well unless someone gets me really drunk as I have been known to cry when I am far too hammered ! hehehe

So anyways (a Jillby-ism) .. It's my birthday on Monday May 24th (*hint hint*) and I will be older but not terribly wiser ..

This year celebrating is going to be a little weird due to losing someone I love very much recently .. Normally by now I am itching to celebrate and everyone around me is sick and tired of hearing "8 days to my birthday !" etc ..

But .. Hamish is a total party animal so I have faith that by tomorrow evening I will be in the party spirit or he will have passed out in a drunken state trying to get me there ! :)

Jillby XX

The stupid people mustn't have been watching TV...

2004-05-10T21:34:00.000-07:00

Big Brother loses out on the ratings... to the ABC... to a DOCUMENTARY... on ALEXANDER THE GREAT!!!
http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2004/05/10/1084041337145.html

The tables have turned and it's about bl**dy time!!!

Finally other people join me in finding Big Brother as boring as batsh*t, entertaining as a romantic evening with Prince Charles, poison to the senses. THANK G*D!!!! Perhaps our TV viewing can go back to those all important 'World's Worst American Morons/TV Bloopers/Police Chases/Cheese Cakes/Rat Infestations' shows... or maybe we should bring back variety shows, I'm sure Darryl Sommers is waiting in the wings, a dude with his hand up a bird's *rse breathing down his neck...

Why on earth do people go on those shows? I know some are in it for the celebrity, but would you really want to be the person who makes everyone change the channel? Do you really want to be the person whom everybody thinks is a has been before they even got their mug on the TV? Do you really want to be presenting a show with scripts written in a primary school playground on sadistic Japanese game shows when you're done in your Big Brother contract? Do you really want to be cooped up in a house with nothing to do and nothing to say with a bunch of idiots? That scenario is going to make anyone look bad. I never really liked this idea, reality shows should have stopped when Denton went back to radio. The house from hell.... a couple living in a billboard... they were classic ideas... a big surprise for Big Brother viewers does not include the fact that they have quadrupled the prize money... who really gives a toss how much the biggest idiot of them all gets as a reward for being the biggest idiot of all? A big surprise is that nobody gets out alive, or limbs are severed every time someone has to use the toilet. They could even have filled the pool with acid and not told them until they were half dead. Now THAT's a surprise.

And in other news, a dirty sk*nk confirms her position in the 'Dirty Sk*ank Hall of Fame'. J-Ho is engaged again. Apparently. The article is a bit sketchy, if I didn't hate J-Ho more than the celebrity mad media (it's a close call) I would have just written about them instead. Next on the hit list, 'Who' Magazine. I want to buy the publishing rights and call it 'Who really gives a sh*t?'

WHEN are people going to buy documentaries on Alexander the Great instead of J-Ho's sh*tty CDs? She is the epitome of commercialism in the music business. When I think of sell-outs I think of J-Ho. Other people write her songs, put her music together for her, record it all, promote her... All she does is wander into the studio and talk into the mic, (after all, it's why pitch control was invented) and then shake her arse on stage a few times a month. You know what? My arse is bigger than hers and I was previously engaged to Ben Affleck, I think I might just release an album. I'll call it, "I'm just here for the money and the white sh*t they put in my hotel." I'm sure she'd be really annoyed that the website telling her story doesn't have a sterilised toilet seat or 500 white candles around it...

http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2004/05/11/1084041377692.html

Ham Sandwich

.. I am really going to miss him ..

2004-05-05T23:06:00.000-07:00

This is one of the last ever pictures taken of Phoenix, when he was still healthy and happy. My niece had a great love for this dog. In fact everyone I know has loved Phoenix. He was the sweetest soul I have ever known and I am going to miss him deeply ..

Jillby

Goodbye to an Old Friend

2004-05-05T16:07:00.000-07:00

Our dog, Phoenix, was put down today. He had cancer and he was in a bit of pain. Luckily, and unlike a lot of dogs, the end of his life was a happy one. He only started showing symptoms this week, he wasn’t in a lot of pain until a couple of days ago. He still managed to turn on his charm for Jill (which consisted mostly of licking your face) in his last few moments on this earth.

I had a deep affinity with that dog. He’d come and sit next to me while I would lie on the grass in the back yard, smoking a joint and watching the planes fly over. He’d always bring me back to reality as I was jetting through the skies in my mind by insisting on a pat, on the tummy thank you very much, or by sneazing on me because of the smoke. He pulled me through a lot of hard times no one knew I was having. Except the two of us.

He was a very sweet dog, a bit of a sook and a lot of an idiot, I recall the first time I was required to perform handy-man duties at Jill’s place while Jill’s Mum and Dad were in England. The dog, all 35 odd kilos of him, had managed to squeeze himself through a two inch wide gap in the fence. Repeatedly.

He was also an activist for the male gay community with an unparalleled interest in other dogs’ penises.

That dog has eaten everything under the sun, the sprinkler system, silk shirts, all sorts of other things off the washing line, thousands of dollars worth of pots and plants… He even ruined a pool filter with his long shaggy coat once.

None made me laugh so hard as the story Jill tells about the time he ate the tires off the otto bin.

He’s gone to a better place now. I can just see him bounding around a huge grass meadow with a sprinkler system around his neck and an otto wheel in his mouth.

Live on, eat plenty old friend.

Hamish

My Friends Look Better When They're Blurry.

2004-04-26T17:09:00.000-07:00

Whew! What a weekend!

3 Days of constant 'catching up'.

'Catching Up' - verb. heavy drinking with friends you haven't seen for a while.

Anyone got a disprin?

Hamish

What should I call myself ?

2004-04-12T23:10:00.000-07:00

Some day soon I am going to be changing my name down at ye olde deed poll office ..

All this has come about because Hamish and I are getting married .. a most joyous occasion which affords me a timely name change. Now my old man forgot a few things when he went to name me at the hospital -

1. The actual name he and Mum had decided on.
2. The middle name I was meant to get.

So instead of being Joanna Louise I got "Jillian". Cringe worthy really.

So, since I have to go through official forms and scarey looking spinsters to get my surname changed, I figure I might change the rest too !

Now I like "Jill" and was thinking of Jill Bee Jay since my nickname has been Jillby J since around 1987. But would that be pathetic ?

Help would be appreciated, but be warned, if you suggest "Gertrude" youre getting a Doc boot up yer bum !! :P

Jillby X

Roughing It

2004-04-12T15:10:00.000-07:00

Well I can now say I have camped on the beach !

Our first weekend with the new 4WD saw Hamish and I driving North to Hawks Nest where we could 4WD up the beach. We fanged around in the sand for a while before setting up camp (illegally and all under the cover of night). It was wonderful to fall asleep to the sounds of the ocean even if it was BLOODY FREEZING ! Even nicer still to wake up, unzip the tent and see the sunrise over the water :)

I think we should invest in one of those roof top tent setups though !

We had a great 24 hours .. went 4WD-ing around the bush tracks and found a secluded lake I didn't know existed .. In fact, we had so much fun that we're going back in 3 weeks ! This time however I think we will be staying at a friends place 5 mins from said beach or at a camp site ..

There's only so much roughing it this city chick can cope with !! :P

-=- Jillby

Rap this Biatch

2004-04-07T21:12:00.000-07:00

Have any of you ever noticed that rap music is in most cases about the artist? In the old days, people wrote about love, land and sometimes even dancing. The songs might have been happy or sad, but they were writing about the things around them, about their love or hate for something, the way things effect them, the good qualities in a partner they have or desire, the music was humble to a certain extent. Look at John Denver's songs. Todays rock music is the same, they're mostly about love which can be a really tiring subject, but if you've ever tried to write a song you'll know that inspiration will come and go, and it's mostly with you when you're in pain. Why are the music industry and music consumers increasingly celebrating songs with lyrics that state in no uncertain terms that the singer has a big penis, a cool car, lots of bitches, drugs, a house, a gun, big idiotic jewelery, or a special party trick involving the passing of gas and a cigarette lighter? I mean, who really gives a SHIT? I couldn't care less if some drugged up, weighed down moron has a car with neon lights! Why do I need to know he's carrying enough ammo to kill me and all of my friends? Who the hell is this person and why is he poisoning my ears?

I think it's a cry for help. Obviously these people have some serious anal issues as a child, perhaps there should be a study into how the average rapper was potty trained because they seem to like to sing about their wealth. It also screams 'INFERIORITY COMPLEX' to me, but then I'm no qualified quack. I have decided that in this case action is better than words. I have contacted all the record companies and got the addresses of all these guys and girls who are so self obsessed they need to sing about themselves to the world, and I am in the middle of doing a mail out to them. I have sent them all 40 cents (even to 50 Cent, I'm looking forward to his reply, he's obviously 50 cents short of a dollar) and a little note inside the envelope saying, "Tell someone who gives a shit!"

Hamish

You spot 'em, I'll make their life a misery

2004-04-04T18:15:00.000-07:00

Jill and I bought a new car on Saturday, around 8:30 AM. Jill's particularly good at finding cars on the web, and she managed to find a relatively rare little car called a Holden Frontera Sport. It's a Four-Wheel-Drive, but not your cock-in-hand leather upholstered type that doesn't even drive down gravel driveway, and at the same time not an engine bolted to a 1950s style chassis like some of Toyota's offerings, it's a two door, hard-top convertible with decent off road ability, yet it isn't going to climb up the side of a wall either. Just PERRRRFECT for me, (as Clover would say) cheap to run, hard to get bogged.

While Jill is particularly good at finding cars, I'm particularly good at negotiating the deals on them. I used to have a hobby of negotiating deals on cars as a youngster. It all started off when I had a driver's licence and no car, Joel and I would go to dealerships and see if we could get some old clunker out on the road and fish tail it sideways for 20 minutes and then bring it back. Since we were two young punks on their P plates, with rude haircuts and no collateral to leave behind the test drives were few and far between, I think we only managed one, so we engaged in a little game that has brought me no end of joy, and still to this day I'll have a go with a car salesman just for the pure pleasure.

I have met more car salesmen than anyone I know and if there's one thing I know about them, they try and screw you. I like to screw them back. I waste their time, I'm generally pretty rude to them, I make sure I tell them something about the car they don't know, I ask them a question about the car I know they don't know the answer to and wait for their response, I like to see if they'll admit they don't know or if they'll make something up. 90% of them make something up. A salesman lying to me is like waving a red rag to a bull, it's open slather once that happens, I feel no guilt about wasting hours of their time or taking advantage of them in any way. The heated banter usually builds up until I make a fake offer on the car, one they can't accept and then I tell them either they do it for the price I ask or I walk right now. They go and 'see the boss', which usually means they need to take a piss because they are the only person on the lot, and then they come back with counter offers. I explain that their offer just isn't acceptable, ask them if they really want to do business with me or are they just fucking me around. Then when they come back with a better offer I turn nice, I let them think they have softened me. When you're in sales yourself you learn how to play a salesperson. I'll pretend to call my Mum in front of them, nice as pie, telling her how much I want the car and that I just can't afford it and the dealer is really making me feel awful, he's being a real bastard, and can I please borrow a grand? Mum never comes up with the grand, she only ever has her telephone bill money available, so she can only give me $100 and I have to call Telstra to explain why the bill is late.

Then I pretend to call my Dad and I like to say to the salesman as I'm calling him, "He's loaded, it's just a matter of whether he cares enough to loan me the money." Dad's always a prick, he can't come down and give me the money because his BMW is in for a service and he can't stand driving my young step mom's Merc.

Often I'm a bit shaken and a LOT disappointed, apologise for wasting the guys time and before I head off down the road again they 'go and speak to the boss' and can usually come to some price around my offer, plus Mum's Telstra bill... :)

Unfortunately I wasn't really in the mood for that on Saturday, and I REALLY wanted the car, so I made an offer, pointed out there was another car just like it up the road and accepted his counter offer, $1100 under the average retail for the car in question. We're happy, the salesman was one of the only car salesmen I have met that SEEMED genuine and he did everything I asked, save for $500. So I spared him the trouble.

Now that I have the car you can all stop dreaming about being chased by trains or helicopters or walking out in front of a bus, dream about running away from me on the beach as I laugh my shrill evil scientist/psychopath laugh, trying to run you down with my new four-wheel-drive.

Hamish

.. it's been a day of tiny triumphs ..

2004-04-01T17:40:00.000-08:00

I am beginning to think my life is measured in Fridays and Mondays .. Fridays I feel like everything is oK even when it obviously isn't, purely because I don't have to come to work tomorrow ..

Mondays .. well there are just too many days of running on the rat wheel until I can finally get off and have a break ..

I wonder .. does everyone feel like this or is it just a "me" thing ?

In other Friday-related news .. I am thinking of joining a cult !! HA ! But seriously .. info on the "Join Me" cult can be found here.

I mean it can only serve to make Fridays more enjoyable really !

Jillby X

Monday-itis

2004-03-28T21:18:00.000-08:00

I can't believe how quickly the weekends disappear .. yet 2 week days can drag on so long you feel like you might go gray before they're done !

Saturday night, Hamish and I went to the wedding of our friends Chris and Kim (who's Hens night had me wrecked all of last week). It was a beautiful ceremony and an even nicer reception ! I must say that I do like the idea of waiters wandering around with nibblies and drinks on platters all night long .. having never experienced it before .. well it felt like I should be dressed up like cinderella !

The next day however, there I was with a champagne-over and an itching to spend the day in bed ! Second weekend in a row with a hangover. Now to anyone who knows me well .. thats a heck of a lot of hangovers for an entire year let alone a 7 day stint ! Though I am glad that it was as a result of someone's good fortune in life rather than through Hamish's bad influence :o) Much as he might try and be a bad influence on me *giggle*

Today I have a severe case of Monday-itis though thanks largely to the amount of fun I had over the weekend .. SO BLOODY GLAD EASTER IS COMING ! And then Anzac day ! YAY for living in Australia .. land of the public holidays :o))))

Note to Hamish - See how easy this was honey ? NOW HURRY UP AND POST YA LAZY GIT :P

Jillby

THANK GOD FOR FRIDAYS !

2004-03-25T15:47:00.000-08:00

Well it is finally (about bloody time) Friday !!

I feel like I have been waiting for this day for about 17 years .. but obviously I am exaggerating :)

Last weekend I went to a family birthday then on to a Hen's night and the next day, whilst hungover and tired .. I had to entertain my family who came over for a visit .. Basically what I am getting at here, is that I feel like I have been surviving on no real sleep for a few weeks .. AND TOMORROW I GET TO SLEEP IN !

I dont care that there is a Bridal Expo on and that if I go I could win a free wedding .. I dont care that there is no food in the house and that what little there is went off when someone left the fridge door open last night while preparing berocca .. (*cough* Hamish and Joel) .. none of that counts when I know I get to sleep in, in my lovely huge comfy bed ..

Oh god I want to go home now .. can someone call in a bomb scare for me ? :)

XX JillbyJ

Hello from home

2004-03-24T23:19:00.000-08:00

I am now home and very very happy to be out of that hell hole most people call work .. and guess what !! Ham is making NACHOS for dinner .. nacho nachos !

mmmmmm nachos *drool*

JillbyJ

Goodbye Sh!tbox

2004-03-18T14:20:00.000-08:00

My car goes down death row today. I wrote the bast*rd off and now it's going to heaven. (or GIO as it's more commonly known) As everyone knows, outwardly I hate my car. Who wouldn't? It's a piece of sh*t. But, as I am a very sentimental person, and I see cars in a totally different light to the rest of the world, I'm inwardly rather sad and I'm coming clean. To me, cars have personality, they get you out of scrapes, they get you into scrapes, but when you have your own car you journey through life together. The first time I saw a car accident at the age of 3 I bawled my eyes out whining, "How could they do that to a car?" If any of you have been to my parents' house you will have seen the first beloved casualty of my driving career. She's irreplaceable. Now it's time I give up my next casualty and it's gonna be hard. Cars are like dogs, they just don't live long enough.

When I think back on the times my sh*tbox broke down and I kicked it, and then the times I thrashed the tyres off the thing to get back at it, (and because it's fun) a tear comes to my eye. We've journeyed through many memorable traffic violations together, many road rage moments, it has embarrassed me no end and I have embarrased it by not watching where I was going for a second or two... The only thing I wish we could have done together was a few hours on the turf farms in Windsor, how the sh*tbox would have loved that, with its bicycle tyres spinning, and me laughing loudly, in a kind of joyous yet evil way, the handbrake on as I put her into a spin, 360 degrees in the wet, green grass.

I really wanted to do that, to take her for one last spin, but I'll be f*cked if I'll be seen in that thing in MY home town.

Ham Sandwich

Sniffer Dogs

2004-03-07T21:50:00.000-08:00

I have been riding the train a lot recently due to it being less embarrassing than driving my car. I just can't take that fucking thing any more. What I have noticed, and I have noticed this before as well, is that despite the fact that it's summer, and despite the fact that tissues were invented a great many years ago, (Jesus was a co-founder of Sorbent Corp) people still insist on sniffing in my ear. I'm not talking about the sort of sniffing that we all do, the occasional rapid intake of air into the nostrils, I am talking about the constant sniffing, the sniffer that has to sniff 2-3 times a minute to stop their minute brain dribbling out of their nose. That really annoys the shit out of me.

I was riding a train today, and I just happened to sit down next to a young man in his early twenties, he looked alive and not like he had the plague, but I was still a little wary. He could have one of many problems public transport people have, ranging from mental illness to severe body odour (including the inability to hold gas in), to an alien growing out of his chest. As a general rule I find there is usually something wrong with Cityrail customers. Before I had even settled in my seat it started. First a sniffle. Then a gurgling sniff, one of those ones where the sound is so descriptive of what is happening inside this grot's nose it makes you want to throw up, it sounds like bubbles through a bong. Then he started on the aural onslaught, it seemed he was trying to create a vacuum around his head such was the intensity of the intake. He was sniffing, then coughing it back up and sniffing again, all the time contaminating the air around him and me, turning my insides blue, killing me softly with his song. The most unfortunate part of this scenario is the silence. No breathing. No noises from his throat or sinuses except that nasty big gulp as he swallows the oyster whole.

I reached into my bag as if getting something out and asked him if he'd like a liver and vomit sandwich.

Ham

Road Rage

2004-02-18T17:21:00.000-08:00

I have to admit I'm a little annoyed. I guess you could say I am even more than a little annoyed really, I have rage running through the veins down my arms, my heart is beating fast and I have an overwhelming urge to go back out to my car and ram it into the nearest four wheel Euro-trash I can find.

I live and work in North Ryde in Sydney Australia. For those of you that don't know North Ryde, it is the Silicon Valley of Australia, hosting many IT companies including Microsoft, Symantec, Sony, CSC, Hewlett-Packard etc. You get the idea, plenty of money floating around, plenty of mid thirties males with small genitalia and large salaries driving large environmentally unfriendly cars and four-wheel-drives, usually Europe's latest and greatest substitute for a personality. These are the drivers I hate the most. Forget middle aged women who don't realise they have a rear view mirror, forget P Platers (and I have to admit a great many of all demographics fail this simple geometry test) that can't parallel park or even reverse out of a car park without attempting a 400 point turn. Forget truck drivers that drive next to other trucks up hills on multi-lane roads, and you can forget those drivers whom you politely let in front of you and then neglect to at least give you a nice little wave to say thank you. Do you know how much effort it takes to lift your arm in appreciation? You can even forget those who can't use a round-about, can't drive on their side of the road, can't tell where the front or back of their car is, creepers at the lights, and the ever increasing numbers of young idiots who can't tell that a 6000 decibel stereo does not make them more attractive, EVEN if they have the windows down. Don't get me started on the role of rap music in modern moron mating rituals.

I was driving out of my office early this afternoon, on what I call 'Gravy Leave'. It's a very pleasant occasion where you drop gravy on your white shirt at a business lunch and your boss is so embarrassed for you she sends you home. Not many of my previous bosses were so compassionate, one boss I had used to make me landscape in the rain, so I was overjoyed at the thought of a leisurely afternoon tapping away at my laptop in the comfort of my air conditioned home, sans a gravy coloured shirt resembling tie-die gone wrong.

Out of the blue a black late model Audi Turbo flies up beside me, hits the brakes, narrowly misses hitting another car and then proceeds to move over into me, changing lanes by force. I was just able to stand on the brakes quickly enough to avoid an accident, and also being a multi-tasking individual I managed the obligatory horn beep, offensive curse and the sign that started the world on this crazy spin of automotive recklessness and aggression, the finger. It seems the bastard had cut me off. Usually, being the sort of person who stands up for himself fiercely I would have embarked on a little game with this git. I tend to have a little screw loose when provoked sometimes, and while I am by no means a violent person, I have yet to this day still not managed to actually land a punch in a drunken argument, I go too far.

I was in no such mood today, I just let the guy go, let the prat go on to his prat of a wife and have prat kids that grow up in prattish day care centres and turn into absolute pansies because they have been coddled their entire prat life. He deserves himself.

Then a funny thing happened. Just after he cut across me I moved into the right lane, he slowed down, let me go past and had the audacity to rudely scream at me and flip me the bird pulling an hilarious face a mother couldn't love, supposedly something along the lines of angry or 'this is my scary face'. Unfortunately he turned left immediately, the mark of a man of courage, and drove quickly away while I drove on straight ahead, never having been given the slightest opportunity to give chase and run him off the road into a nursing home.

I drive a piece of shit. It really is. It's relatively reliable and the cheapest wheels on the road, low kms etc, but it's tiny and I am a big guy. Not the biggest dude you've seen but I'm nearly six feet and 100Kg was a long time ago. At the moment I also have a tame version of a bikers goatee. I guess I look rather comical in my tiny little car, 2 seats, 4 bicycle-width tyres, 3 cylinders - an engine you'd have trouble cutting grass with. I have been asked where you put the batteries. People tend to push me around in the thing and then generally they look at the car's occupant and play it very safe from there on. When my girlfriend drives it people laugh, point and stare.

I'm getting sick of dickheads who paid sometimes up to 300 times what I paid for my car thinking that they are better than I am. I earn good money but I drive a cheap car. The thing is, my car cost me $650 and about $2k a year to run, including fuel and insurance and ALL the expenses. Tell me who's got the better deal? Tell me, who is actually the smarter one here? That's not to say I wish to hang on to the blessed little thing, but it does have its advantages.

So, after today's little misadventure, I have decided that in future I'm just going to let people driving Euro-trash prang straight into me. Then I'm pretty sure I'll have a nasty neck injury, psychological stress, RSI from filling out insurance forms and I'll probably go into their place of business, trip over my own child and sue. Then I'll be able to get my own Audi and parade around like a peacock in mating season. I think that's what it takes to get ahead in today's society. Clearly you can't rely on the decency of others, so if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, sue the bastards for every penny. After all, what would Australia be without US trends? Get on the bandwagon and do the normal, honourable thing. Sue a dickhead retire a dickhead. I guess my utter shock at the rudeness of this guy made me miss the fact that not only with quick thinking and a lack of action could I have made this a good day, a prosperous day, but it could have also made my dear Audi friend's day absolutely terrible. I hate hindsight.

Oh, and on a final note:

Here's a message to you, the vain wanker in a huge metal penis extension: I'm gonna get you. I know the general area in which you work. I'm gonna hunt you down and remodel your face with my club lock shrieking a loud, shrill, evil laugh.

The putrid sound of stress escaping into the smelly Sydney air.

Ham Sandwich